The Holy Hand Grenades of Vatavia

by Brother Joyce De La Soer De Sainte Heinze Bumblefoose
introduction by Friar Thomas Bacon (David Moreno)
Orignally published in the July 2001, A.S. XXXVI issue of the Dragonflyre, a publication of the Barony of Vatavia.

At the recent Baronial Investiture, the Holy Hand Grenades of Vatavia made yet another appearance. Since this is now a rare occurrence, most were ignorant of their significance in Vatavian history. The original first appeared at the Tournament of the Ice Queen on March 6 AS17. So below is the original tale of the Holy Hand Grenade.

The Tale of the Coming of Fionna Heather Mac Arron and the Holy Hand Grenade of V'tavia to the Barony of V'tavia being a prose recitation of this most blessed event by the lord Arch-bishop of York, his grace Father Gabriel, as told by Brother Joyce de la Soeur de Heinze Bumblefoose

In the days before the glory that is Calontir, there appeared before the King of the Midrealm, a majiker of great powers; and he bespoke the King, saying: "Rejoice, for unto you, this day is born a savior from your folly, in the city of the son, of the House of Locksley. An Unlikely place for a savior, I know, but Our Lord works in weird ways. There will be a city whose streets will be paved with bricks, a place to be called V'tavia; from hence shall come not one, but many Great and Noble Princes; and to them shall be given the holiest artifact in SCAdon, the which shall someday save all Calontir from conquest: The Holy Hand Grenade of V'tavia." And so it came to pass!

In the days of our grandfathers, there appeared in the Silver Desert an orb of multi-colored splendor, bedecked with gold and pearls. It appeared in the hand of a wizened little artisan with eyes of sparkling diamonds, who cried aloud to the crowd there: "Behold...The Holy Hand Grenade of V'tavia."

Then the intrepid Prince of Cynague came forward saying: "Who art thou?"

And the artisan said: "Some have called me, Tymn. Behold this Holy Artifact of Saint Humpk, made by the hands of divine virgins to the greater glory of V'tavia and your principality."

To which the Prince replied: "Wrong principality."

He instructed the noble prince to send the Holy Hand Grenade of V'tavia to Calontir; and so he sent the Holy Hand Grenade to Caledonia for he was nigh unto deaf.

Then did a vision appear to noble Sir Fritharik saying: "This'll teach you to lay off the hemp! Anyway...go thou north into Caledonia, to find the Holy Hand Grenade of V'tavia, and return it to V'tavia." And Fritharik, being bored, did so.

There he met the Laird Mac Arron, and upon seeing him cried: “Help!,” being besieged by vicious rabbits. The Laird Mac Arron charged upon the beasts and did spit them upon his lance. After they had feasted, the Laird insisted the Fritharik take his daughter, Fionna Heather, to the sparkling court of V'tavia; the Laird's lance being so keen, and his sword so sharp, Fritharik agreed.

Now, ne'er be it said that Fritharik, true knight, lover, and gourmand was a fool. Such a trip to V'tavia would be cold, uncomfortable, and dangerous. He would undertake the quest would gain much honor and glory, not to mention hunger and thirst, and more than all this, would be force to enjoy the charming and garrulous Fionna Heather Mac Arron. Somehow, Fritharik just knew that this quest was not his. Fortunately, he had a young and foolish, un, er, brave son Aelfric, who by happy chance was bound for V'tavia to collect his newly betrothed lady Tuia Kynara.

So Fritharik delivered the Holy Hand Grenade into his son's keeping, and Fionna into his hands, or visa versa.

So they set out across the sea; the crew of the ship and Aelfric endured noon-day sun, and Fionna's tales; terrible storms, and Fionna's gossip, great hunger and thirst, and Fionna's stories, debilitating illness and Fionna's piping, until finally they came to the forbidding shores of the Midrealm. And there was much rejoicing.

Brave, brave, brave Ld. Aelfric, with gentle Fionna also, climbed from the shores of the inland sea, and passed into the mighty city of Tree-girt-sea, and found himself challenged by the mighty BLUE CENTURION, who cried in a voice to shake the hills: "All right buddy, pull it over." and using a magic device of eclectic named "Weapons Charge," possession of a hand grenade, (explosive device), (see Illinois Corpus Jris Civilis, Feb. 12, 1910), attempted to ensorcell Aelfric for a period of not less than 60 days, nor more than 1 year. But where courageous heart and might of arms failed, Fionna wove about the Blue Centurion a marvelous web of clever words, leaving their foe bedazzled. So they fled westward, toward the infamous land of Calontir, (or should that be famous...).

After many miles and adventures, the towering...well tall...well medium high... O.K., O.K., stubby towers of V'tavia almost loomed into sight; and Aelfric searched for a suitable band of holy hermits who might deliver the Holy Hand Grenade to Baron Humpk. Finding none, he settled for the Brotherhood of the Brothers and Sisters of Saint Humpk.

So, my lord Baron, this holy relic comes into my hands by a fair and perilous misadventure, and I deliver it unto you to use to help and sustain V'tavia in your need, and charge you to use the power placed thusly into your hands, wisely.

Deus Garlicus Poderum



Copyright © 2001 - present Brother Joyce De La Soer De Sainte Heinze Bumblefoose and His Lordship Friar Thomas Bacon (David Moreno). All rights reserved.

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