We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band,
On the right side of temperance we do take our stand.
We don't use tobacco because we do think
That the people who use it are likely to drink.
Chorus:
Away, away with rum by gum, with rum by gum, with rum by gum,
Away, away with rum by gum,
The song of the Temperance Union.
We never eat fruitcake because it has rum
And one little bite turns a man to a bum,
Can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man eating fruitcake until he gets tight?
Chorus
We never eat cookies, because they have yeast,
And one little bite turns a man to a beast.
Can you imagine such a sorry disgrace,
As a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face?
Chorus
We never drink Pepsi, it's made from cocaine,
And you might as well shoot it right into your vein.
Oh, can you imagine a sorrier bind,
Than rotting your teeth while blowing your mind? (1)
Chorus
We never drop tea, 'cause it comes from a pot,
And that could be evil as likely as not,
We don't mind the taste, but it's really bad news,
To get busted for holding what Tom Lipton brews. (1)
Chorus
We don't step on grapes because that's making wine,
And one single stomp turns a man to a swine.
Can you imagine a fouler defeat,
Than a man getting stonkered by licking his feet? (1)
Chorus
Shun girls who are witty and pretty and kind,
There's nothing like love for corrupting your mind.
At least in our circle it just isn't done,
Our kids are adopted; we never have fun. (1)
Chorus
We never eat jelly, they make it with wine,
And one little bite turns a man to a swine.
Can't you envision, in Hell he will roast,
That teen-ager drunk on his jelly and toast? (8)
Chorus
We never drink water, they mix it with gin
Just one little sip and a man starts to grin
Oh, can you imagine a sillier clunk
Than a man swigging water until he's geshtunk? (6)
Chorus
We never give backrubs, we think they're a crime,
And lower and lower you'll sink every time.
An alcohol backrub's a terrible sin.
Just think of the liquor absorbed thru the skin. (4)
Chorus
We never sing filksongs, they're evil and lewd.
They celebrate Sin, and their language is crude.
Their language is shocking, their politics vile,
And their grammar and rhetoric ain't got no style. (6)
Chorus
We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band.
On the right side of Temperance we do take our stand.
We masturbate daily because we do think
That once you start screwing, you're likely to drink! (9)
Chorus
So drinking and eating and loving, you see,
Are bound to destroy spi-ri-tu-al-i-ty.
Our tastes are austere, and our virtue is sure.
We don't have much fun, but, by golly, we're pure. (1)
Chorus
Known source credits (From "The Black Book of Locksley"):
The first three verses are the "traditional" ones.
(1) Stephen Whitis
(4) Pat Herson
(6) Dick Eney
(8) Paula Smith
(9) Jim Landau