Words: Johann Steinarsson
Music: Any Old Iron(an old English music hall song) by Charles Collins, Fred Terry and E.A. Sheppard
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Just a week or two ago my poor old Uncle Bill,
went and kicked the bucket and he left me in his will,
He had a suit of armor that was taking up some space,
Asked if I would wear it on the list field in his place.
I put it on, just to test the size,
Didn’t weigh me down that much, so I thought, ‘what a prize!’
Next time fighter practice came I brought that armor out,
The marshal started snickering and then began to shout…
Really bad armor! Really bad armor! Really, really, really bad armor!
Rips and tears; needs a rivet there;
That gorget needs a full repair!
Out of date, second-hand plate,
And the duct tape’s lost its ardor,
No I wouldn’t give ya tuppence for that armor set,
Bad armor! Bad armor!
Went up to the Lilies War, and oh, it was a sight,
With oh so many warriors I thought I’d die of fright,
Suited up my armor and prepared to hit the scene,
When who d’ya think approached me but our Royal King and Queen!
I bowed my head, greeted them polite,
Said I hoped the two of them would watch me as I fight,
The King he smiled broadly and he bid me lift my head,
And as I did the two of them both sniggered as they said…
Really bad armor! Really bad armor! Really, really, really bad armor!
Rips and tears; needs a rivet there;
That gorget needs a full repair!
Out of date, second-hand plate,
And the duct tape’s lost its ardor,
No I wouldn’t give ya tuppence for that armor set,
Bad armor! Bad armor!
At the Coronation it was time to have some fun,
The new King called a tournament for each and every one.
Mace and shield was the stipulation that we had,
I armored up and went out just to show them what I had.
I fought my best, mace on helmet rang,
In a couple rounds I found I’d won the whole shebang.
Thought I looked a dandy, all victorious in the ring,
But as I stood there smiling, oh the crowd began to sing…
Really bad armor! Really bad armor! Really, really, really bad armor!
Rips and tears; needs a rivet there;
That gorget needs a full repair!
Out of date, second-hand plate,
And the duct tape’s lost its ardor,
No I wouldn’t give ya tuppence for that armor set,
Bad armor! Bad armor!
Shan’t forget the day my knight accepted me as squire,
Was right after a battle and my limbs were all on fire.
Everyone was watching closely as I took a knee,
Swore my oath as he bestowed a red belt upon me.
I put it on, right around my waist,
Cinched around my armor, put a smile upon my face.
The fyrdsmen all applauded and it filled my heart with glee,
My knight gave me a handshake and then said these words to me…
(All together now…)
Really bad armor! Really bad armor! Really, really, really bad armor!
Rips and tears; needs a rivet there;
That gorget needs a full repair!
Out of date, second-hand plate,
And the duct tape’s lost its ardor,
No I wouldn’t give ya tuppence for that armor set,
Bad armor! Bad armor!
Repeat chorus at 2x speed (optional)