Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a lightning-fast sword
With a good counterbalance and a strong lanyard cord
With a mercury center blows won't be ignored
Lord, won't you buy me a lightning-fast sword?
Lord, won't you buy me a polearm from hell
With a stout oaken shaft, I'll be no man's pell
I can paint on rattan rings so no one can tell
Lord, won't you buy me a polearm from hell?
Lord, won't you buy me a fiberglass spear
It won't give an inch, so let every man fear
With snap-on extensions I can fight from the rear
Lord, won't you buy me a fiberglass spear?
Lord, won't you buy me a combat crossbow
With a laser sight on it I'll not miss my foe
Takes my pick-up to cock it, they'll acknowledge this blow
Lord, won't you buy me a combat crossbow
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a lightning-fast sword
The Tuchux are comin', or is it the Horde?
I don't care if it's legal, oh won't you oh Lord . . .
Lord, won't you buy me a lightning-fast sword?
Oh, Lord, won't you by me a chainsaw fishbat?
The damn rhinohiders, they won't ignore that.
When it cuts through their breastplate they won't call it a flat.
Lord, won't you buy me a chainsaw fishbat.
Oh Lord won't you buy me a cortisone shot
My knee is all swollen, it sure hurts a lot
Pavel says he's my future, I hope that he's not
Lord won't you buy me a cortisone shot...
Oh Lord won't you make me a belaying pin
When OAFs are assembled let chaos begin
I will beat up that asshole who drank all my gin
Lord, won't you make me a belaying pin