Some general comments: This is very much a performance song in Calontir, the comments and additions in parenthesis change with each performance. Someone should let His Excellency Fernando know when this starts so he can assemble a large pile of noise makers. See the history section for more information.
Some friends and I in a public house
Drinkin' up a storm one night;
When all at once in a fireman came,
His face all chalky white.
"What's up", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost?
Or have you seen your aunt Marire?"
"Oh, me aunt Marire be damned," says he,
"The bleeding pub's on fire!"
"On fire?" says Brown, "There's a bit of luck.
Everybody follow me.
For down in the cellar if the fire's not there
We'll have a rare old spree!"
So we all went down, with good old Brown;
And the beer we could not miss
But we had not been five minutes there,
Before we were all bloody pissed!
And there was Brown, upside down;
Sucking up the whiskey off the floor.
"Booze! Booze!" The firemen cried,
As they came knocking at the door. (2 knocks)
Don't let 'em in 'till it's all mopped up,
Somebody shouted "MacIntyre" (MACINTYRE!)
And we all got stone blind paralytic drunk
When the old Dun Cow caught fire.
Then Smith walked over to the port wine tub
Gave it a few hard knocks (2 knocks)
Started taking off his pantaloons
Likewise his stinking socks (wheeeeew!)
"Hold on," says Brown, "That ain't allowed.
You can't do that there here.
Don't wash your trotters in the port wine tub
When we've got so much Schaffer's beer!"(substitute whatever beer is out of favor for Schaffer's)
And there was Brown, upside down;
Sucking up the whiskey off the floor.
"Booze! Booze!" The firemen cried,
As they came knocking at the door. (2 knocks)
Don't let 'em in 'till it's all mopped up,
Somebody shouted "MacIntyre" (MACINTYRE!)
And we all got stone blind paralytic drunk
When the old Dun Cow caught fire.
Just then there came a terrible crash (drop anything that will make lots of noise)
Half the bloody roof gave way
We was all drowned in the fireman's hose
But we was feelin' gay (oh so very)
So we got some sacks and some old tin tacks
And we nailed ourselves inside
And we kept on drinkin' our pints of ale
'Till we were all bleary-eyed (As well as rip-roaring, falling-down Calontir-style drunk, again!)
And there was Brown, upside down;
Sucking up the whiskey off the floor.
"Booze! Booze!" The firemen cried,
As they came knocking at the door. (2 knocks)
Don't let 'em in 'till it's all mopped up,
Somebody shouted "Fesselmeyer" (FESSELMEYER! Pause for drinking silent toast)
And we all got stone blind paralytic drunk
When the old Dun Cow caught fire.